How to Remain an Amateur Writer Forever in Ten Easy Steps

1. Make sure whatever you write is far longer than the desired word or page count. For a novel, plan to write at least 150,000-200,000 words. For a screenplay, never stick within the 100-110 page range. Keep in mind that 120 pages may sometimes be tolerated, so plan to hit the 140-page mark if at all possible. Alternately, you may opt to turn in something far shorter than the desired length.

2. Do not, under any circumstances, proofread your work. If you can manage as many as three or four typos or spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes per page (or even more), you are definitely on the path to remaining an amateur writer forever.

3. Make sure that nothing worth reading happens in your work. Above all, do not include a plot. A good way to avoid a plot is to make sure your protagonist has no particular external goal or internal needs.

4. Steer clear of active protagonists. If you use an active, interesting, unique protagonist, you run the risk of someday garnering interest in your work. Make sure your protagonist never takes any action on his or her own and only reacts to events that happen to him or her. Passive protagonists all the way!

5. Use as many cliches as possible. If writing a fantasy novel, choose a farm boy for your hero and pit him against the Ultimate Evil (do not explain why this evil is evil; it just is). In a romance, your hero must be rich and decisive, your heroine a weakling who falls apart whenever he walks in the room. If you are writing a screenplay, make sure to begin with your protagonist waking up in bed and getting ready for the day.

6. If at all possible, refrain from having anything story-related happen in the first half of your book or screenplay. Definitely do not have anything intriguing occur on the first page.

7. Do not give your characters distinct voices. They should all talk like you. Do not do anything else to make them seem like individuals either. Never give them interesting quirks or unique traits, and above all do not allow readers to connect with your characters emotionally. Also have your characters constantly argue about inane and pointless things that have nothing to do with the plot (if there is a plot).

8. Try to avoid believability. Aim for contrived situations. Never let your characters do anything that a real-life person would naturally do in the same situation.

9. If you must provide a resolution at the end, stick to the tried and true. Never use anything original. If you have gotten your characters into a situation from which you cannot extricate them, do not look for a creative solution. Instead either stop before the end or use a deus ex machina.

10. Never do a second draft of your work. Continue to submit your first draft everywhere. If asked to make changes, change a few words here and there so you can say you complied. If given constructive criticism, become defensive and tell your critiquers they didn’t get it. Show them the error of their ways by explaining how much your mom loves your writing. If your critiquers are published writers, be sure to insult their published work. For a screenplay, don’t forget to add that your brilliant script is going unappreciated because Hollywood is creatively bankrupt.